I Steal Forks From Restaurants

There goes the neighborhood…

The biggest problem most people have with deleting their Facebooks (at least it was my main problem and the problem most everyone I spoke with’s problem) is that all their friends and family are there. This is true. They are all there and they allow you to keep in as much touch as you would like from anyone you have made a connection with throughout your life. On one hand, that is pretty fucking amazing. There are so many people we meet through the course of our lives and because of social media, Facebook very specifically, we can extend that time in ways we never could before. 

If Facebook wasn’t constantly getting caught being wildly irresponsible with my data or ignoring developing genocides in Southeast Asia or just being a little too much when selling me as a customer to advertisers, there would be no problem. But that’s not the case. There is always one shoe dropping after another and it is because Facebook is seemingly a monster with an endless supply of feet and ill-fitting shoes. 

The question I kept finding myself thinking about was are the connections and the ease of those connections worth the price of Facebook’s negligence and I kept saying yes until I really started thinking about what Facebook was really was supplying. If those connections were important enough to me to not leave the platform, why were they not important enough for me contact those people outside of the platform? I kept coming around to feeling like I would bother people with emailing them or that I wasn’t close enough to text them without feeling weird about it. If I didn’t feel close enough to text message someone then clearly my connection with them wasn’t exactly a big part of my life and maybe what I really was getting from Facebook was the illusion that all these people were still a part of my life.

Of the 400 something people I was friends with, at least half of them were muted and on one of my privacy settings that didn’t allow them to see my profile, my posts or comment on anything I said on my page. The other half fell into a slightly less strict setting and I really only maybe had 75 people that were actually able to see my stuff, that I was actively following. When I posted my flounce announcement I left my email, phone number and Twitter handle on it for about 24 hours before I deleted it. About 10 people have contacted me outside of Facebook. None of them have sent me any articles they found interesting or pictures of their pets or wanted to know what I thought about something. (I mean, outside of my family or people I already texted with a lot, I’m not like alone in space dying now.) And I haven’t sent them anything either. Which isn’t to say that I won’t or they won’t, I just have to put more effort into now instead of firing off three posts a day and hoping maybe they see it.

Ultimately I had to accept that through no fault of anyone, I was at best maintaining a memorial service for a time in my life when these people I really cared about were more of a daily occurrence or for the possibility a greater friendship cut short by moves, job changes, children, marriages, etc. I can do that thought an occasional email. I can email a happy birthday to someone that I have a lot of fondness for without having to put myself in an architected experience that prompts me to engage while it sells me to advertisers. When was the last time you got an email from someone you’re friends with that isn’t work or obligation related? It rules! If those connections are so important to me that I’m going overlook allllllllll the bullshit with Facebook, they should at the least be important enough to have to put actual time and effort into maintaining. That was the conclusion I came to. There have been at least three huge Facebook scandals in the month since I deleted my account and the only regret I have is that I didn’t do it sooner.

Like I get that we wish things were normal again and the way we thought they were when we were like 9 years old but don’t get soooooo thirsty for it you’re yelling at people on the internet that they need to say something nice about George Bush 1. Get a grip, life is terrible and scary but that dude is just as bad if not worse than Donald Trump, he just had better manners and more discipline. 

political-me

As U.S. President, George H.W. Bush, among other things, cut AIDS research funding, banned HIV-Positive people from entering the country, encouraged “behavioral change” to the exclusion of comprehensive sexual education, and extended/expanded many of the murderous AIDS policies of Ronald Reagan, for whom Bush served as Vice President. By the end of 1993, over 194,000 HIV/AIDS related deaths had been reported in the United States. Approximately 133,000 of which were during Bush’s one term as President. Between 1987 and 1992, the median age at death among men in the United States that died from HIV/AIDS related causes was 38; among women the median age was 34. George H.W. Bush died November 30th 2018 at the age of 94. May he rot in Hell alongside Ronald Reagan! 🖕

meganamram

Thank you for coming to my baby’s gender reveal party! I can’t wait to share the precious moment when I find out whether this bundle of joy I’m carrying is a little ballerina or a little truck driver. I am just so excited to talk about my future child’s genitalia with 30 of my closest friends and acquaintances!

You know me and my hubs Andy. We’re obsessed with being extra and we’re never going to settle for just an ordinary gender reveal party. We’ve had a cake prepared that’s either pink or blue, based on whether our child is a Little Man or a Little Miss. First, I will cut into the cake and show a slice. If it’s a Boy, the cake will be blue, because blue is Boy! Blue is color of Boy things, like the sky, which is where the Air Force lives. Pink is color of girl, because girl things like flowers and laundry mistake.

We’re not stopping there. After the cake, Andy is going to use a crossbow to shoot 12 wild rabbits that he bought at a store where you get food for large snakes. Each guest will then take one of the dying rabbits into her hands and look under the tail. If the dead rabbit is (was) a girl, our baby will be a little fashionista. If the rabbit has a little penis? Our lovebug will grow up to be a doctor or other type of Man!

This is a party for adults, so feel free to get a little naughty. There’s nothing that makes me feel like making fun dirty jokes then thinking about my unborn child’s Boy or Girl pubic mound! We’re going to play a twist on “pin the tail on the donkey,” and you’ll either stick penises or vaginas on a picture of my ultrasound. We’ll be using glue that’s made from either Boy or Girl racehorses. This grown-up game will be made even more fun by the fact that we will be eating gourmet ice cream cones that are either flavored like Boy (scotch with a fun spicy touch of hot sauce) or Girl (nothing). Can’t wait to meet our Little Heartbreaker or our Little Slut!

I never knew this before getting preggo, but there are a lot of rules for Girl or Boy! There are many things that are Boy. Boy is Blue, dog, numbers, fireman (even though fireman Red, it is Boy), hair (coarse), shape of ball like soccer ball, bricks, glass, buildings, car, sharp. Girl is Pink, cat, hair (soft), shape of square like purse, skin, boat, dry. I know it’s a lot to remember but look, I don’t make the rules! (The person that make the rules is Boy.)

Andy and I love our traditional gender roles. He makes the money and cuts down the trees because Boy, and I am House for baby. Andy loves to make me eat vitamins so the House will be nice for Baby. Each vitamin is like a gift I give my baby’s House! I can’t wait to see what job my baby have. If Boy, maybe Racecar Scientist, Ambulance Lifter, or Priest Batman. If Girl, only job option is House or Lesbian.

Even I don’t know what our baby is! When ultrasound technician which was weirdly Girl told Andy what gender our baby was, I told him I didn’t want to know. Andy was able to keep a stoic face when Girl Technician told him Boy or Other One! He was completely deadpan except for one tiny body language thing, where his mouth said “now our baby can’t be Blacksmith.” Andy is so good at keeping surprises! I hope our little bundle of joy looks just like him when grows up to be Ice Fisherman Man.

Thank you all for sharing this day with us. I can’t wait to start this family with my sweet Andy. We will be the perfect Dad and House. But just remember: I will love my baby no matter what, whether it decides to be Lumberjack Surgeon or just normal Umbrella Girl On Salt Container. In the end, it does not matter! Whether Boy or Girl, my baby can do anything, like wear a pant or do computer. After all, Boy or Girl, my baby still White.

chicagodibs

Photo: @leightonic

I just deleted my Facebook and I cannot believe how fucking serious the whole thing was good fucking lord it was like a god damned break up!

THEY ARE BAD PEOPLE, THE FACE PEOPLE.

I know everyone is a bad people but.. the FACE PEOPLE are SO BAD. 

comrade-kimberly

yassmines

that girl is so nice for holding up his lil poster for him

Here’s a list of hashtags to mute, feel free to send any I’m missing:

#TexansGameday #TexansNation #Titans #TitanUp #TitanPride #Jaguars #Buccaneers #buccaholics #BearDown #BearsGameFace #bearsnation #GoRavens #Ravens #RavensFlock #GoColts #ColtsNation #Bengals #ColtsForged #Chargers @TFGO_LAChargers #Dolphins #godolphins #Texans #GoViks #GoVikes #GoBrowns #Broncos #BroncoNation #BroncosCountry #PantherNation #GoPanthers #GeauxSaints #GeauxTigers #GeauxColonels #DaBears #CHIvsGB #Packers #BearsGameFace #Bears @GoRaidersNation #GoRams #GoBills #GoChiefs #GoLions #GoSteelers #GoNiners #GoRedskins #Endzone endzone touchdown #Touchdown #GoPackGo #GoPats #GoBills #GoHawks #GoJags #GoEagles #GoBears #GoCowboys #GoSeahawks, Packers, Pats, endzone, halftime, #ditka, football, #football, fantasy football, #Footballguys #FootballSunday #MondayNightFootball, #MondayNightLights